2017-07-13 / Top News

Mastering the perfect selfie — it’s all about me


While I realize that I’m not 13, I’m still determined to master the summer selfie.

After a great many ridiculous and failed attempts, I’ve concluded that taking selfies is a talent — like being able to moonwalk or do bird calls. Some folks are just naturals at it while the rest of us fail no matter how hard we practice.

I had a speaking engagement not long ago where I, along with several other speakers, were asked to send in selfies so the organizers could use them in promotional materials. I emailed back, “You mean you want me to send in a professional headshot, right?”

I was told no. “We want a selfie,” said the perky organizer. “They’re so much more casual and youthful and fun.”

They may look fun, but they’re no fun to take — especially if you’re cursed with short arms like me. Honestly, when I look in the mirror, I don’t appear to have crazily disproportionate arms that make me look like a human T-Rex, but when I attempt a selfie, my arms suddenly shrink to around six inches.

For the selfie I was to turn in, I combed through social media for inspiration and found plenty of friends showing off the most flattering summer selfies at the beach, on boats and at barbecues.

One friend was skilled enough to take a selfie with a fish he’d just caught. And I have no idea how she did it, but another friend took a selfie that depicted her at the beach in a cute suit, while reading a book. I’m assuming she has an extra arm that she normally keeps hidden under her clothes.

Other friends, with extremely good skin and very small pores, are masters of the close-up selfie, but that one didn’t work for me regardless of how many times I ran it through my phone’s soft-focus filter. My girlfriend Valerie is traveling the world this summer and her arms are so long that she’s able to take a selfie with the entire Red Sea in the background. It’s remarkable. But she has nothing on my friend Don. He and his wife and two kids went to England in June and treated Facebook with family selfies, all four of them looking happy and fabulous with major landmarks like Buckingham Palace also in the frame.

Due to my tiny-arm shortcomings, I decided to attempt the selfie where you stand in front of a mirror and snap a reflection of yourself. Seems easy enough — my friend Audre makes it look effortless and posts one every few days to show us a new outfit or hip hairdo. But I’m awful at this one. I can’t figure out how to push the button on the camera while working my posture, sucking in my stomach and smiling at the same time. It’s exhausting.

My girlfriend Gloria, another selfie superstar, uses two hands and positions her phone from way above — this makes her beautiful face look even more beautiful — the angle accentuates her cheekbones and gives her a lovely glow. But when I try to use both hands and look upward, the result makes it appear that I’m hanging precariously off a tall building.

Luckily, I still have some time to master the perfect summer selfie. I could continue practicing or I could just give up and go buy an arm extender — otherwise known as a selfie stick — for a mere $7.99.

I think I’ll take the easy route to selfie perfection. ¦

— Ciao for now, my lovelies! Stay tuned for another divalicious diary entry next week….

Return to top